When the Teacher Becomes the Student

My journey through breast cancer started five years ago this month. It was in April of 2007 that I was sent to a specialized breast clinic, and would be diagnosed with breast cancer. The quest to be healed would have many twists and turns along the road. Nothing was simple.

I had my first surgery towards the end of April. It was a lumpectomy, and they would check the margins to verify if they had managed to extract all the cancer cells. They hadn't.

The next step was to make a decision. We could either go in and remove a bit more, and see if we got it, or go for a full mastectomy. I elected for the mastectomy, but requested they remove both breasts. And so the process began to arrange for surgery. As I was having a double mastectomy, I also needed to consult with a plastic surgeon for the reconstruction part. We were now into May, and making more decisions. I elected to have reconstruction using the skin from my stomach. I thought this would be a more natural choice for me.

My surgery was scheduled for August 3, 2007. I was in the operating room for ten and a half hours. My doctor told me that when I woke up from surgery, I would feel like I had been run over by a truck. Never having been run over by a truck, I can't pretend to know how that feels. I can only say that the way I felt was awfully close.

Throughout all this, and through the eight rounds of chemotherapy I would undergo following my recovery from surgery, I maintained my positive attitude. I KNEW I would be healed. I knew I would go on to do better things. I was determined to speak about my experience and help other patients and their loved ones the best that I could.  I didn't dwell much on the "why me?". I instead took the opportunity to set an example to my three daughters. If you experience that bump in the road, pick yourself up, and carry on.

And here's the catch..... I suddenly find myself in the pupil's seat. In less than four months I will mark my five years of being cancer free.  This is a true milestone for a cancer survivor, and one to celebrate. But it also scares me. Where do I go from here? There has always been something to count and look forward to. What happens after that? When will my oncologist tell me that I don't have to see him anymore? What will I think when he says that? Will my mindset change?

It's time for the teacher to become the student. I can't tell you the answers to these things yet, but I can say this is a normal reaction for any cancer survivor. I still have much to learn from others who have traveled the road that I'm on. I will face this unknown like I face all the other unknowns that have been in my life: with courage, gratitude for what I have in the moment, and the belief that the future will continue to be kind and generous to me.

And I will plan a party.

In Appreciation of all Oncology Nurses

Today is national oncology nurses' day in Canada. The theme for this year is "Partners in Care: Advocating for Excellence" highlights the very important role that oncology nurses play in Canada's health care system.  

Oncology nurses are front and centre with patients and their families in their search for a cure. They care and support us, not only through the stress of a cancer diagnosis and treatment, but as cancer survivors as well.

I met my oncology nurse when I was diagnosed with eight rounds of chemotherapy following my double mastectomies. Dail was the one who came to see how I was doing during each of my treatments. She was the one who gave me the information I needed during the whirlwind visit at the hospital when I was first diagnosed.  Would I have thought of where I was to go to buy a wig?  Would I have known that my hair would start falling out ten days after my first treatment?   Would I have been really worried when the tips of my fingers started tingling, and I didn't know why? Dail was there with the answers.

But even more importantly, she is still there for me today. In fact, I have often told her that she is even more important to me now. As a cancer survivor, the days of regularly gracing the hospital corridors are over. Yes, you visit often enough in the beginning, but it gradually decreases to twice a year quickly enough. Once treatments are over, it could be a scary world out there for the fresh survivor. The security blanket of seeing your doctor regularly, and getting to ask the many questions you want answered is gone. The power you feel while going through treatment is positive, and gives you a feeling of being actively involved in your cure. It really is empowering.

You have a more passive role after treatment. Yes, many patients change their lifestyles for the better. They eat healthy food, exercise regularly, and find time for themselves. Your future lies partly in the hands of fate, and partly in the positive thinking of the mind.

Enter Nurse Dail. When I was a fresh cancer survivor, I spent many hours reading information about breast cancer and survivourship. I was up to date with the latest treatments. I read articles regarding vitamins and the effects of exercise on better prevention. I learned how to meditate, and to practice yoga. I joined survivour groups, and inspiring websites on line. With all this new information came more questions. And when I had them, I would e-mail Dail. She would always answer promptly, and with time, I felt increasingly secure in the thought that I knew she would always be there for me.

So on this day, on behalf of all cancer patients and their families, I would like to extend a heartfelt word of appreciation and thanks to all oncology nurses out there, who are our teachers, yet our pupils all at the same time. They are a dedicated group of people, who often put the needs of their patients first. They play a valuable role in the lives of cancer patients and the teams that treat them. And a special thanks to Dail for all your years of support. We are lucky to have you.



To the Newly Diagnosed Cancer Patient

A couple of weeks ago I found out that a colleague at work was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's always sad when you get news like this. It hits home a little more when it's someone you know.

She's young, and in the prime of her life.  And right now she's probably feeling like she is living a dream. That it's all a big mistake, and when she wakes up, she will breathe a sigh of relief and chuckle at how real her emotions were.

I won't pretend it's easy. For those of us who have been there, the day we found out we had breast cancer was one of the toughest days we have had to face. It's the game changer.  In the big game of life, it's as if all of our pieces have just toppled to the floor and the game board wiped clean.  

I remember the car ride home from my oncologist's office that day. My head felt twice as big, with all the new information I had just received, tests that were required and phone numbers to schedule surgery. .....all stuffed in there like a sock drawer with too many socks. I cried, I got angry, and I still believed it was all a bad dream. 

But to all those newly diagnosed sisters and brothers out there....Take heart. It will not always be this way.  Things will become more manageable after the first visit with your oncologist. It doesn't matter whether the news you get from your newly appointed doctor is encouraging, or not. The important thing is to get the information you need to make decisions, in order to take charge again. This is your body, and you need to make the best decisions that you can for its well-being.

Making a plan of action is very important at this time. Information may come at you quickly and from many directions.  Surgery may be scheduled relatively fast, and subsequent decisions made just as quickly. 

But to my dear colleague who is out there not knowing which way is up, here's what worked for me, and what I would have loved to know back then, but didn't.

When possible, always bring a close friend or loved one to doctor appointments. You never know what test results will be given to you, or what treatment options they will discuss. Having someone there taking good notes, will remove some of the stress you may be feeling, and will be helpful later on.

Bring a list of questions for your doctor that you have prepared ahead of time. Believe me, you will need the reminder.  By the time you get to the hospital or doctor's office, find parking, and perhaps wait for an hour or more before you're seen, not to mention the fact that your overwhelmed just by the fact that you're sitting in a waiting room full of oncology patients (I'm not supposed to be here)....you will remember very little of what you wanted to ask, if it's not written down. Whether it's for a technician administering a test, or for the oncologist interpreting the results; no question is a stupid question.

I read a lot about the type of cancer that I had. There a wealth of information on the internet, and there are many people, like me, who blog about their experience with the disease. Many of the blogs are actually written by cancer survivors, and have helpful advice about the little things that nobody else will talk to you about.

As I was waiting for my operation for the double mastectomy and reconstruction, I planned for time off of work for recovery (six weeks in my case), as well as the care for my daughters who were 13, 11 and 7 years at the time. My parents came from out of town for two months to live with me, and I can say that, as independent as I like to think I am, it would have been hard for me to do it without them. During this time, I had to go back and forth regularly to the doctor. As I was unable to drive, my parents accompanied me there as well.

When I was diagnosed with eight rounds of chemotherapy, I had my good friend, and hairdresser shave my hair off, as it really does start to fall out ten days after your first session. Take head that not all chemo patients are sick. I thought of it as being slightly nauseous; similar to being in my first trimester of pregnancy. I would walk around with a bag of granola, so I was constantly chewing, and getting rid of that steel taste that comes with chemotherapy. It also settled my stomach. I brought a different friend or family member to each of my sessions. It allowed us to catch up, provided much needed humour, and made the time pass faster.

Many of the decisions I made through the array of surgeries and treatments I had were suited to me, as an individual. Some patients need to stay home. I chose to stay at work. It's an individual choice, and I can only advise to do what's right for you.

The best thing I did throughout my experience was run. Apart form my recovery from surgery, I continued to run on a regular basis. I'm convinced that I made it through recovery and chemotherapy so well because of this. 

And what would I have liked to know?  I can summarize in two words; yoga and meditation. I have been meditating for several months now, and I can't tell you how beneficial this would have been to me earlier on. If possible, start it sooner rather than later. The same goes with yoga. Although I have to profess that I am far from a "regular" at this, the benefits you will receive for your body and mind are well worth the effort.

Finally....and most importantly,  laugh, be grateful for each day, and believe. Rent a funny movie, read a funny book or talk to a friend that always makes you laugh. Give thanks for the small victories and people in your life on a daily basis. Believe in yourself, and believe you are cured.......and you will be.

Life after cancer will never be the same. But there may be some very pleasant surprises on the other side. For many of us, it's even better.



Just a Little Push

Yesterday was a typical Saturday, and a busy day. I was up early, and was ready to go out before 10 am. This is surprising in itself, as I was out bowling with my daughters on Friday night, and only got home after 10 pm. Stephanie, my eldest, is a debutante in an upcoming ball at the end of the month, and they had this night of fun planned for the debutantes, their escorts, family and friends. Now to put things in perspective, I have not gone bowling in at least two decades. Yes, I have made my way to bowling allies during that time, but it was only to drop one of my daughters off at a birthday party.  So after we got our lovely rented bowling shoes, I asked the gentleman who served us for a score card. They all must have had a good laugh, as, apparently, scores have been computerized for quite some years! In the end, we had a really fun evening, and even had our own, ready-made team, as, besides Stephanie, my other daughters Alexandra and Emma, as well as two of Stephanie's friends played with us.

So.....getting back to Saturday morning....Besides the few errands I had, I also wanted to get to the gym. I set out with Stephanie, and we did one errand before heading to the gym. I was looking forward to my workout, as I had a busy work week, and not much time for the gym. I ran just under five kilometers on the treadmill, followed by ten kilometers on the bike, and some arm weights to complete it. It felt great! After the gym, we had a few more errands to run, and, after all that, managed to get home by 3 pm.  After soaking my tired muscles in a much needed bath, I started making dinner.  By then I had that feeling of being content. You know the one where you have had a lot to do, but you did it; including that all important stop at the gym? I was looking forward to sitting on the couch with a good book or perhaps to watch a movie. 

But someone had other plans for me last night. Emma really wanted to play on the Wii. Not entirely what I had in mind. As I started listing all the reasons why I didn't want to play, followed by promises that I would play with her sometime the next day, my conscious got the better of me.  I was out for half the day. She stayed home, as she slept in later, and was feeling a little under the weather. She always loves coming out with me, and was sad that she had to stay home. I thought it wouldn't hurt to play on the Wii for half an hour with her. So Emma and I headed downstairs to the basement; soon to be joined by Stephanie and Alexandra. The four of us sat there with our Wii paddles, and, the more we played, the more energy we seemed to get, and the more fun we had. We ended up spending our evening downstairs, and any plans to put a movie on after that didn't last long. We soon headed upstairs, and flopped into bed.

And what is the moral of my story? As with everything else; whether it's that run you keep putting off until later, or starting to write that book. Sometimes it's just that little push you need to get started. The sense of accomplishment and and the satisfaction of getting it done are well worth it. The pride you have in yourself, and the sense of peace and well-being that permeates your soul is what life is about! And to top it all off, it's fun! Thanks, Emma, for that little push!

Spring is in the Air

The weather has been terrific over the past few days. Sunshine and temperatures just above the freezing mark.....very unlike your typical Canadian winter in the month of February. For a runner, this is a real treat! It reminds me that spring is around the corner; even though it may be a rather long corner. For many runners, the past few months have been spent in gyms and on a treadmill. I have to admit that I was in that category this year. The roads around my house were snow covered and icy. A bad combination for a runner; even when wearing traction aids.

Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy a nice run along a snow covered road; particularly just after a snowfall when all is quiet, and the run can be incredibly peaceful. I just didn't have the right running conditions for that to happen this year. The last time I did an outdoor run at home was in early December last year. I did get an opportunity to cheat in early January while I was on a cruise in the Caribbean. Although the gym on the Holland America Westerdam was beautiful, and the scenery spectacular (it's located at the front of the ship, with a view of the Caribbean through huge windows that circle the bow), there's nothing like running outdoors. Deck three of the ship is made for those outdoor enthusiasts who like to take their daily walk or run. Three times around makes a mile. It's quiet early in the morning, and nice to do a solitary run.

But back to this past weekend...... When I woke up and saw the gorgeous weather outside, I was like a kid in a candy store. I couldn't wait to get out! It was like starting to run all over again. With just tights a long sleeved t-shirt and a shell, I set off for what I thought would be a short four or five kilometre run, but ended up running eight kilometres instead. The air was fresh, and the sun felt so nice an warm as I ran along my still familiar path, that I just couldn't bring myself to end my run.

Lately I have felt that I was working out just to work out. I would talk myself into it by reminding myself that I was a cancer survivor, and I needed to keep up with my healthy lifestyle. I would also remember that no matter how much I didn't want to work out in that moment, I would be incredibly happy and feel great once I completed it.  There were times that this was the only way that I could get my body to the gym. Maybe it was the short days, the winter blues, or the long work days. I don't know. But I can say that my whole incredible love of running came back on an unusually warm and sunny winter day in February. And I know why.

I have been rejigging my affirmations lately. I do this once in awhile when I seem to get into a rut. I came across an unattributed quote while I was reading that read "Change your thoughts, and you'll change your world". It was then that it dawned on me that I needed to change my running mindset.  Yes I'm a cancer survivor, and I need to make healthy choices for my well-being, but that doesn't have to be the reason to run. It certainly wasn't the reason that I started to run. I run because running makes me happy. It helps me let it go. I just breathe....sometimes in great big gulps. I am at one with myself, and I really listen to my inner voice. I strategize and plan while I run.  I see the beauty of the outdoors, and the wonder of the children laughing in play as I run by. Yes, my thoughts are changed, and yes, I am truly grateful.